Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: "We’re in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there’s a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION …2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one.. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do
they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective…

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention…
Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you….the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay..

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

53 thoughts on “Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

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  2. I like this write up, but one thing I would like to mention is that love is all about giving. If you really love someone, I think you don’t need guidelines to evaluate you relationship. Giving time sometimes helps love to grow & even if it doesn’t, atleat you can conviencee yourself that it did grow inside you. Expectations from you partner based on some guidelines may lead to sorrow. Every person is different and unique in himself/herself, I would rather recommend to understand the person you love & give him/her their own room and time to know your love. Love can never be completely expressed by words, its more obvious from the actions you do & if the person you love is unable to understand this, then he/she is unfortuate.

  3. Insightful write-up, although in the summary of the listed qualities, you didn’t include ” Valuing Personal Growth” like you did in the main write-up. Total dearth of this quality on her part was the singular thing that ended my last relationship, although my insensitivity also played a minor role. That being said, I think that this sort of information needs to be disseminated to the Youths of our generation through easily accessible media like Television and Radio. If this is done, Youths out there would be going into relationships (long or short term), more informed, Ultimately reducing divorce rates, if and when it leads to marriage.

  4. Your write up is fantastic.Love is magical,it is a magnetic force that put two people together.Real love is not common since lust comes first.

  5. Am realy impress with your write up,it is based on the fact.the problem we have this days is lust & love.mistaking lust for love..love is realy what we need to know..

  6. Hello
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    Anyone who can see my profile and this message and would like to have more contact with me please add me and let me have your comment,
    1- I really would like to marry some one if she has one of these problems like (Blind, Dumb, Lame, lameness, paralysis, Apoplexy, or some one she have physical problem, fatness, thin, Diabetes, even dose are Cancer) and wish to can help her and give her some best feeling she need and there is may no one to feel her but for me it is a proud if I can find some one cause I will feel that at lest I did some things good this is the only wish I have please don’t think this wrong every body has a type of feeling to feel happy, but I feel very happy if I can find the one I wish,
    2- Also if you are mother of Childs and cant handle life for better so let me please to have the honor to gave a good father’s name to our Childs, I will work more then hard for our family and will never let you feel anything less,
    3- If you are divorced or don’t have any one in your life and you would like to have a man which stay tell last second of his life with you and care of you and do his best for you.
    4- Any one she is older and no one like to love her I am the one would like to loved you and be yours dot think about those stupid selfish that just think about them self.
    5- And also if some one is all right and want to have a Muslim husband I would welcome her to my life you know Muslim has a rule that the don’t marry some one but if he or she marry then will be just with her and there is no way to leave her and divorce cause in Islam the bad point is divorcing your wife.
    But please not dose who had or have Disease like HIV (IDS) or other sicknesses like consumption, pest, all kind of impetigo A, B, C, and other infectious disease.
    All humans has the same right and every one hope this to find his or her partner the best one, most of them just trying to have the best one but there is no one think about the one have a small problem and the one need love but cant say that, so please any one if you are the one I did pointed out above I am ready to marry you and you can know all about me and ask me all you want to know about me .so if you are not the one or may you don’t like then please help me to find some one I pointed to may you know some one or may some of your friend or family member is, you can dearly contact me please,
    Best regards,
    Sadeq Arian

  7. Just knew from this website that love is not the basis for getting married, i have made that mistake long years, now i know better, i have always believed that i need a woman with the same character trait like me, so do everyone, thanks for your information.

  8. This is the most succinct article I have read on this topic. I am bookmarking this and will be sure to refer to it again. Thanks!

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  10. yes.You have shared a great insight into the depth of a good & balanced relationship.Thanks for sharing yoor knowledge

  11. Reblogged this on malikaziz.com and commented:
    Playing catchup with life, but a friend brought this to my attention and I agree it’s well worth the read…

  12. saying love is not first in marriage is a fallacy. God is love. Everyother thing is summed up in Love. This love is a fruit of the spirit. So, nobody can have God’s love without genuine repentance from sin

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  14. i so much like dis write-up.because it wil help me to know the type of peson i should be in love with.

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  16. Incredibly intelligent and insightful. A chance to review a past failed relationship and notice what warning signs I had ignored. Well written. Bookmarked and will be re-read often.

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  22. Well Spoken, i sent this to all my church and will continue to spread this. Keep it up Mr Dov, i really appreciate it…

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  24. WOW ! Well they say only applied knowledge is POWER!.Thankyou .I really needed this

  25. i am issac, i am broken in my relationship and it kills me most. my love is far and she never understands me most. i need love

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  27. Very informative and eye opening, very use full for people who looking for life partner, Thanks for such a wonder full information, every one should read before stepping into search.

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