Question: Are you married

One question I have come to hate answering is the title of this post: ARE YOU MARRIED?

Imagine running into someone you met like 5 or 3-years ago, and the first question from him/her after the hi’s and hello’s is ARE YOU MARRIED. I say no, coz, Yes, I’m not married. He / She quickly turns the talk into why I’m not married, what is and what is not, as if the details are the most important piece of information in the whole world – after a couple of years of not meeting each other. Worse, how about relatives that I’ve not seen in a while. The first time we meet / talk on the phone, “are you married” is the first thing to ask.

I’ve also come to observe that ARE YOU MARRIED is often asked by ladies. Co-Guys would rather ask about work, life, etc; but ladies, nah, MARRIAGE is the first and only point of discussion. This kinda puts me in an uncomfortable position, not just because I’m unmarried ( for which they ask: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? as if marriage is something to be caught or jumped into), but also because I usually wonder what would be their next question if I was married (perhaps, it would be WHO IS SHE, WHO IS SHE NOT, WHERE IS SHE FROM, HOW MANY KIDS YOU HAVE / HAVE NOT, HOW MANY HOUSES YOU HAVE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE? etc). 

ARE YOU MARRIED? and here, I have on my hands a couple of stories to tell:

1) I bumped into an old friend (a lady by name Laide for this discussion)) of mine sometime ago somewhere in Abuja. We met at NYSC camp, and for the 1-year kinda became ‘close’, it just happened that we were almost everywhere together as far as NYSC is concerned. Our places of primary assignment were in the same area, we were in the same CD group, etc. We exchanged contact info, and since then a couple of text messages to and fro, etc.

A friend of hers, a family friend of mine lives in Lagos. Both ladies are married. A couple of weeks later, this one that lives in Lagos called me up, she requested me to do something for her(business-wise), for which I obliged. A couple of days later, she called me up to say thanks and then began talking. I call her Parrot coz there is nothing this lady cannot tell me, even the one I’m not concerned about. Her husband and I are good buddies. So she started talking and told me that Laide told her we bumped into each other, etc. I said “Yes”, and she continued “and so”, to which I replied, “and so what”. I really didn’t know what she wanted to talk about, so I just excused myself and told her we would catch up later. We’ve talked a couple of times since then, and the long and short of whatever Parrot wanted to tell me is that Laide and her husband have been having person-to-person problems for about a-year now, have mini-separated, etc…. for which she(Parrot) and her husband have tried to help settle, etc. I did not know all these info before.

What pissed me off in all she told me is that I never knew that Laide really liked me, but because “I did not say anything during and after NYSC”, she married someone else; and that she(Parrot) is very sure I have been on Laide’s mind since her wedding day up till now that our paths have crossed again. I was like “see me see trouble o”….thats when I remember that Laide had asked me: ARE YOU MARRIED? when we met in Abuja.

I got pissed coz Parrot even had the audacity to give me the info. Its better I never knew. Its like Parrot was suggesting that some opportunity is ripe for me to take hold of. I told Parrot I wasn’t happy with the info, we ended the call, only for Parrot’s husband to find a way and tell me the same thing when we went footballing a saturday / two later. By the time he was now saying it, I kinda started wondering, if these my friends (Laide and her husband) really feel they are doing me a favor with these gossips, and if their own relationship is as solid as should be – husband to wife and vice-versa.

So I started wondering if all marriages are like the one I’ve described above, where each party has secret second thoughts about what may / may not happen; where and with whom he/she would really rather be with,etc.

2) I attended a wedding sometime in 2006 – a female colleague of mine. She(Nne) married a pastor. It was a simple neat wedding. From Facebook to twitter, etc., another former colleague of mine, a guy told me recently that Nne had split with her husband. Why, she was the first to cheat, and then he followed suit, yet still pastoring. Both have a child together and each have 1-outside their union. The story sounded so strange, that I began to wonder if God won’t be holding me quilty for “representing” at their Church wedding here in Lagos(Surulere). I mean, the time seems like yesterday, for all the dirt news about them to have happened. At least thank God it wasn’t death that parted Nne and her husband. This kind of bothers me, from the ARE YOU MARRIED perspective.

3) I come from a very very large family of Nigerians and non-Nigerians, Christians and non-Christians. Third is a cousin of mine, Hakeem, a muslim. When he met his wife, he was blooming up and down the streets of Lagos up till the time they got married. All of us relatives were telling Hak to take it easy, but he wanted to get married, like yesterday. Theirs was according to Islamic rights and for once, I almost became a muslim on their wedding day.

First year, Second Year, Third Year, no child and then problems came. Hak and his wife, their and our individual families had agreed to a 1-husband and 1-wife union, and so while he put pressure on his wife becoz of the child-issue, she fell sick, almost had a car accident, cried up and down etc., The rest of us rallied round, and I had to keep both of them in the take it easy department. They are still “trying” but it hasn’t been easy.

I could go on and on with stories left and right. I believe you get my point.

question:

• what is it that is so interesting, at first about marriage, that could later become very uninteresting? 
• What is it that makes people once said “I do” very confidently later begin to think otherwise?

Your comments and opinions are welcome, and please when you leave your comment, answer the question: ARE YOU MARRIED?

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