interesting conversation: a telemarketer calls Mr. Okoro

From Facebook

 

Enjoy this dialogue between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.

Ring…..Ring. ..Ring

Mr Okoro : Hello?

Telemarketer: Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-

Mr Okoro: What?!!!

Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you—

Mr Okoro: You reserved what for me…..A grave?

Telemarketer: A free burial space

Mr Okoro: What’s the difference?

Telemarketer: Well the word “grave” can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if you don’t want it. This is just a courtsey call to—

Mr Okoro: So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such offers?

Telemarketer: Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them –

Mr Okoro: Of course, who wouldn’t be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?

Telemarketer: I agree with u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don’t understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.

Mr Okoro: I see say na u dem send come

Telemarketer: I’m sorry? Send….come?

Mr Okoro: Oh, they don’t use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!

Telemarketer: I’m sorry sir, but i don’t know what you are talking about.

Mr Okoro: I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?

Telemarketer: I don’t understand what you are saying–

Mr Okoro: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America ? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch….for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch when my own army land.

Telemarketer: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-

Mr Okoro: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don’t die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?

Telemarketer: I didn’t mean anything-

Mr Okoro: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me death–

Telemarketer: No, that’s not what –

Mr Okoro: I DON’T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America ? 10 Years….Ejioku. ….10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria . This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just now able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even begin to enjoy a little,….. ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no go betta for you.

Telemarketer: E no…what?

Mr Okoro: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.

Telemarketer: Are u cursing me sir?

Mr Okoro: cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country..

Telemarketer: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.

Mr Okoro: See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish….Look, just aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?

Telemarketer: Some of them do have–

Mr Okoro: No, don’t stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood , abi na wey u dey call from

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: Before u hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?

Telemarketer: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mr Okoro: You get pickin

Telemarketer: get picking? picking what?

Mr Okoro: You get pickin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now

Telemarketer: Dash picking….. you’re dissing me?

Mr Okoro: Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section–

Telemarketer: Thats mean! you can’t talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are people too

Mr Okoro: Yes, bad people….people who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don’t want.

Telemarketer: I’m going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!

Mr Okoro: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!…… She reserve grave……why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for —hello? you hang up? why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.

 

interesting conversation: a telemarketer calls Mr. Okoro

From Facebook

 

Enjoy this dialogue between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.

Ring…..Ring. ..Ring

Mr Okoro : Hello?

Telemarketer: Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-

Mr Okoro: What?!!!

Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you—

Mr Okoro: You reserved what for me…..A grave?

Telemarketer: A free burial space

Mr Okoro: What’s the difference?

Telemarketer: Well the word “grave” can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if you don’t want it. This is just a courtsey call to—

Mr Okoro: So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such offers?

Telemarketer: Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them –

Mr Okoro: Of course, who wouldn’t be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?

Telemarketer: I agree with u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don’t understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.

Mr Okoro: I see say na u dem send come

Telemarketer: I’m sorry? Send….come?

Mr Okoro: Oh, they don’t use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!

Telemarketer: I’m sorry sir, but i don’t know what you are talking about.

Mr Okoro: I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?

Telemarketer: I don’t understand what you are saying–

Mr Okoro: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America ? You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch….for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch when my own army land.

Telemarketer: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-

Mr Okoro: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don’t die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them?

Telemarketer: I didn’t mean anything-

Mr Okoro: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me death–

Telemarketer: No, that’s not what –

Mr Okoro: I DON’T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America ? 10 Years….Ejioku. ….10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria . This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just now able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even begin to enjoy a little,….. ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no go betta for you.

Telemarketer: E no…what?

Mr Okoro: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.

Telemarketer: Are u cursing me sir?

Mr Okoro: cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country..

Telemarketer: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.

Mr Okoro: See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish….Look, just aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?

Telemarketer: Some of them do have–

Mr Okoro: No, don’t stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood , abi na wey u dey call from

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: Before u hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?

Telemarketer: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mr Okoro: You get pickin

Telemarketer: get picking? picking what?

Mr Okoro: You get pickin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now

Telemarketer: Dash picking….. you’re dissing me?

Mr Okoro: Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death

Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir

Mr Okoro: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section–

Telemarketer: Thats mean! you can’t talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are people too

Mr Okoro: Yes, bad people….people who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don’t want.

Telemarketer: I’m going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!

Mr Okoro: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!…… She reserve grave……why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for —hello? you hang up? why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.

 

of Lagos and its Liberian beggars

If it was somebody that looked like Mama Lara, the usual agbero, the FFBs, Mallams from Maiduguri, or children running after everyone passing on the street – with their hands stretched out, asking for 20–Naira, I would have been less surprised.

When someone walks up to you in Oshodi, says ‘please help me, I need money, I’m from Liberia’, and begins to tell you a sorry tale – as sorry as the ones you hear from your own countrymen-beggars as well, me-thinks the situation has gotten critical – or at least, Nigeria now has international beggars, resident between its walls.

I did not ask what his name was, but lets call him Charles Taylor. Charles is about 5ft-8–inches, medium-built and says he is a refugee from Liberia. According to him, they (refugees) have been in the sheters provided by the ECOMOG, who “have done their best” to provide them with a roof over their heads and food. Charles told me that food isn’t enough for everyone in the camp, thats why he has to ‘come out of camp’ to beg for money or look for work for he and his family. I didn’t ask him what kind of work he was looking for, perhaps if I had my own buisness, I could have asked what he could do. He said they(refugees) do not have money to buy food and eat; don’t “have money to buy soap and sponge to take a bath”(this one made me wonder if Lagos Mallam beggars take baths daily); no work to do, and no money to travel back to Liberia.

I listened to Charles story with an attention less than a grain of salt (thats how to survive in Lagos state, especially with strangers), at the same time, I roamed my eyes left and right, up and down to make sure there were no suspicious moves anywhere. I kinda felt a little bit jealous – that Charles was shortening the ration of Nigerian beggars. I wondered how many people would have pity on him and give him some cash, I wondered how many Liberians like Charles would be making a living off Nigerian streets, what the impact has on their economy and on ours. I wondered  what Charles’ would tell his relatives about his life in Nigeria, should he gather enough cash to make a phone call home.

It was as if Charles was taking a big-bite in the National Begging Cake. I imagine this cake to be very large, enough to accomodate many people, officially and unofficially. People like the Nigerian police in official army uniform - with their guns pointed at you – while you hand over 20–Naira with your left hand, real beggars, fake beggars, religious beggars, touts, agberos and other beggar-family members. Now we have Liberians too? How many are in Lagos, how many are in other parts of Nigeria? How many have moved on from begging into something better to occupy their time and skills. And how many other African nationals(non-Liberians maybe) are in the begging association in this country. See all these black people, its until they talk that you know where they are from. Charles could have easily passed off as a Nigerian if not for his American-ghetto “me was” English accent.

It would be my second time to see a Liberian beggar in Lagos. On the other hand, I tried to think of how many Nigerian beggars would be resident around Africa and the world. And I’m wondering what employment they will tell their relatives back home they are engaged in. I just hope they are allowed to eat of the National Begging Cakes of those countries wherever they are. I believe in reciprocity.

============

 

I just remembered that the reason why Charles is a beggar in Oshodi is because of another Charles who is a Big-boy in Calabar.

One mans meat is another man’s poison.