Of Evil Spirits, Nollywood and Mount Zion movies

I hate Nigerian movies with a passion, and I could say this a million times over again.

To date, I do not think I have watched a nollywood produced movie from start to finish. I haven’t even watched half of such without getting bored and pissed off. What I’ve watched so far are Mount-Zion movies, and yes, I watched / finished watching my third mount Zion movie yesterday (Sunday night), titled ‘The Broken Pitcher’.

My dislike for Nigerian movies is plainly because they have no other story behind them, other than the general African-centric-always-evil-centered(sorry, but this is true) story line. This usually revolves around the following:

  • juju power battles between persons/families,
  • husband and wife quarrels/relationships with a third woman – the home wrecker,
  • disobedient daughter who eventually gets pregnant, 
  • evil power sources which is either from a calabash, suitcase, forest, river/waterfall etc., used by some witch or wizard etc., There would always be an old and ugly man or woman as the devil incarnate.
  • evil pastor/preacher’s rise to fame and the attendant consequences on his decieved members. In this group are coca-cola-bottle-sexy female members of the church who eventually bring down the great pastor who forgot his initial calling and went after the flesh.
  • extremely lame romance and love stories where a kiss can last for 5mins.

The list is too long to mention. If you watch Nigerian movies, you could do a better job on the list above.

The worst of them all is the extremely colorful CD cover which is usually the summary of the whole movie. In fact, after seeing some CD covers, you might not need to watch the movie to know the whole gist.

The general depiction of wealth and satisfaction also pisses me off:

example: the camera captures ‘a rich character(male/female)s’ house from head(top/aerial roof view) to toe(toilet); focuses on the tiles in the house, soft carpets(and how the character’s feet sinks in when walking); the walls of the mansion, kitchen utensils and gadgets, air conditioners, expensive mobile phones etc., The shot soon goes outside and starts ‘stupidly’ shooting the tires of parked cars(usually Jeeps with no number plates) in the garage until you can see the manufacturer of the tire on your TV/computer screen? Damn.

All these part1, part2, part3 to infinity movies also get on my nerves. A lot of scenes in these movies aren’t needed, and yet there are like 3–CDs to a single movie.

They would even shoot the rich man/woman sluggishly wearing a shoe and slowly picking up a bag/suitcase; slow motion picking up a car’s keys(and focus on the inscription on the car key, so you’ll see it’s a Mercedes/Jaguar); a majestical walk out(with background music) to the garage, until he/she enters the car, and then the camera focus is now on how the key is inserted into the car’s-key hole…capturing painted fingernails(of ladies especially) until he/she turns it clockwise and then you’ll hear the engine start up……..shu, I’m tired……… Sometimes, I ask myself if these ‘producers’ have formal education/training on how to produce sensible movies that would have some solid story line.

Broken_pitcher

As much as Mount Zion Faith Ministries claims to be a Christian organization and they make ‘Christian oriented movies’, the idea of associating / having some evil power behind every hook and corner in a movie-characters life is what makes me quite a little doubtful about the whole Christian-movie idea.

The broken pitcher is about a Nigerian couple departing Nigeria for America, only to get drawn into the search for money and wealth at the expense of their spiritual lives. The husband(Gabriel) soon, unknowingly gets drawn into a covenant with an evil goddess from Jamaica while the wife is having her own flings. Thank God for the ‘Nigerian Church’ pastor who prays both husband and wife out of satan’s claws. The movie ended with Gabriel dropping in his resignation letter in his place of work. His wife also got fired from her office the night after she could not bring herself to sleep with her boss. The thunder of God chased away the Jamaican goddess that even phone calls to her phone number was unreachable.

My question / argument however is: why does everything have to do with evil spirits?

Why do/does the typical Christian in Nigeria, the typical pastor attribute every tom, dick and harry thing, event, situation or whatever, to some evil power somewhere. I am a Christian and I believe and have faith in God and not in the devil. I would rather tell someone about what God can do in the life of a man rather than expantiating on past exploits of Satan. I am forced to ask myself if all Christians believe in Christ’s victory at Calvary. A lot of preachers in Nigeria get one major point wrong. They talk about satan so much that God is left out of the picture. Listening to some of this pastors on the radio, I sometimes feel within me that such are not Christians. A lot of such never talk about the power of God. In a 45-minute sermon, they would rather talk about evil powers for 40-minutes, talk of Gods power for deliverance for 5-minutes and then close with a 5-minute prayer.

Back to Nollywod and Mount Zion:
If all names of evil-gods/goddesses of waters, mountains, rivers or shrines, forests, sky, lands or seas ever mentioned in Nigerian movies were put together, such names might be up to the population of some states in Nigeria. The typical nollywood movie always has some evil-spirit element  somewhere and here comes Christian movies in the same line. I wonder what kind of Bible some Christians read nowadays and I also wonder if our Islamic brothers / related movies tow the same line(I haven’t watched any Islamic movie yet).

On a more serious note, are there evil spirits too in America? I am imagining an American evil spirit who raps like Eminem, plays basketball like Michael Jordan and looks like Michael Jackson.

The Naija answer to my question is: who sent you?

On a less serious note:
What if Nigerians swap places with Americans and Europeans, what kind of movies would we be producing in America?

  • Nollywood would have made movies about evil spirits in areas like rugby, basketball, coaching careers, bungee jumping, American racing etc. Other spirits behind boxing, wrestling, and ballet dancing would be identified in a matter of time. In fact, sports would be a no-go area as we would be all concerned about evangelism.
  • There would be no scientific discoveries, there’ll be no Bill Gates, there’ll be no Silicon Valley, there’ll be no computers, there’ll be no technology etc., as such extremes of intellectual exercise and research, even for the benefit of mankind would be classified as works of evil spirits etc. A quick example is the spirit of artificial intelligence. Movies produced with these themes would include destroying such through prayer.
  • There’ll be Texas based cowboy spirits flipping rifles like they flip pens, smoking demons like cigarettes and making movies all the same.
  • Mr. Bean won’t be a funny face to behold. The spirit behind him that makes everyone laugh and laugh until tears come out of their eyes would have been identified long ago by our white garment churches.
  • Past American president Clinton would not have needed to bother about Monica Lewinsky. He would have just attributed everything to the devil – The Spirit of Lewinsky, and once she’s bound, she would be cast out of the white house – case closed. 
  • All the mami-water spirits residing within all female fashion models and Miss world contestants since 1600 to date would have been identified by Mountain of Fire and Miracle Ministries. These would be cast out regularly during Miss World contests.
  • If only the god of Samuel Peter was at the ring side, maybe things could have been different today. The evil spirit that recently worked against our man, that got him beaten black and blue would have been discovered within a couple of days. P.S: Don King would be a Pastor in Nigeria.
  • By now, Nigerian movie makers would have found out the name of the evil spirit behind Chelsea and Manchester United, and why Nigerians are crazy about these teams and their players. Also, the Juju power behind the highest goal scorer in European football would have been discovered.
  • See, Michael Jordan wound not be the greatest basketball player ever, because he would have been accused of using Jaz, and would have confessed a long time ago. All those slam-dunk brouhaha-contents would be a thing of the past. Nigerians would have identified the spiritual link between M. Jordan, Scottie Pipen and Dennis Rodman.
  • Definitely, the planes that crashed into the World Trade center  would be attributed to flying spirits and not terrorists. Meanwhile, Nigerian soldiers won’t be deployed to oust Saddam and Bin Laden, it would be pastors sent it there to pray down fire.

And now that Obama beat Clinton, I believe the angel from Heaven working with Obama would have been identified as well, and Gods name would be praised.

Continue the list for me, pls.

On a more serious note, I believe Nollywood needs a revamp. Christian Movies, actors and actresses need a re-think. Nigeria is not as bad as the movies potray it to be.